Observation is a key to being a good parent. Watch your child – learn who he/she is. Watch your own interaction with your child. How does your child respond to you, to others, to his/her environment?

Parenting is about being motivated and interested and ready to learn and it is your child who will teach you. As parents we tend to think we are the ones who have to do the teaching but it is a two way street. If we think it is one way then we are likely to be merely teaching a formula for parenting we may have learned through our own experience as a child or we have read in books or we have been told by others.

Good parenting means taking the time to understand  your child – what makes him/her tick – what are the needs of this little individual – remember each personality is different.

How can you better understand your child? Here are some more tips from mother’s recipe book.

Communication

 
Communication between parent and child begins instinctively with touch. Even before birth there is the touch of loving hands on the mother’s tummy. A baby should only know loving touches. Massaging baby is a joyful experience for both parent and baby.

Some new parents feel a little awkward communicating with their baby. Simply talk as if you were introducing someone you love to the world around them for the very first time because that is precisely what you are doing. Tell them about the beauty of it – tell them how glad you are to have them in your world. Soon your baby will be teaching you how to communicate as you imitate his/her first sounds and words and mirror his/her smiles and expressions.

Sing to your little one – nursery rhymes or your own creations or songs that inspire you.

Movement can be a form of communication – rocking to comfort for example. Try dancing with your baby conveying your joy of simply being to the little one.

The list of ways to communicate with your newborn is endless.

As your baby grows into a young child, communication becomes a bit more sophisticated. The more effectively you communicate with your child, the better communicator he/she will become.

A Few Tips

 
When your child speaks to you – give them your eyes – show you are listening. Listening is the most important part of communication. What may seem trivial and insignificant to you may be earth shattering to them. Show your interest – treat them as you would a very dear friend – don’t turn your back on them and go about your business – you are never too busy that you can’t listen. And as you listen, watch their face, their expression, their sincerity. If for some reason you cannot immediately listen to what your child wants to tell you simply explain that you can’t listen at that particular moment but if they could be very patient you will be only too happy to set time aside to listen as soon as you are able.  Make sure you follow through and that you don’t make them wait too long. Remember to thank your child for their patience and understanding.

 
Answer your child’s questions to the best of your ability – be honest and keep it simple – aimed at their level of understanding. If you don’t know the answer help them find it – then it’s an education for both of you.

 
Set time aside at bedtime to go over their day – again keep it simple – it’s not an inquisition. Use leading questions like – ‘what happened today that you felt good about?’ ‘Did anything happen today that you didn’t feel good about?’

This is important – life can be full of little joys and pains – it’s good to develop this sharing time. You’ll be surprised what might need airing. Don’t push it – just let it happen – you are opening the door to good communication.

 
If you’ve had a bit of a rough day – perhaps a particular incident has caused upset or life is troubled for you, always take the time to reassure your child. If for whatever reason it’s not possible for you to do this face to face you can always do it when they are asleep. Just sit with them and talk to them. Tell them how much you love them and no matter what else is happening in your life you will always be there for them and they are always wanted, appreciated and cherished. Your words and the intent of your words will be absorbed by your child’s subconscious - it works wonders.

 
Children are very understanding and they are also masters of observation. They know how you are feeling – it’s important that they know they are not responsible for how you feel. They are not your emotional crutch so when things aren’t well with you refrain from pouring all your troubles out onto your children. If you need someone to talk to, find a counsellor or a friend. Let your children know by all means that you’re having a rough time (you don’t have to go into details) – they’ve already sensed it anyway – but that they are okay and you’re still there for them.

Parents argue and have disagreements – that’s life and it’s okay for children to witness disagreements (we’re not talking about violence, intimidation or cruelty here, just simple arguments) – but do let them see that you also work through your problems together and that you apologise to each other. When I was a child it was considered wrong to argue in front of the children but that is how they learn  - witnessing your efforts to work through your problems. Explain to them that everyone at some time has upsets they need to sort out but that you’re doing your best and most of all, your love for them is as solid as a rock.

 
Respect your child’s right to confidentiality. You don’t enjoy your private tantrums and misdemeanours being discussed in your presence by all and sundry so give your child the same consideration you would like. Trust is paramount for good communication.

 
Your child also communicates through play – drawing, painting, creating pictures through any medium. Most parents are so willing to praise their child’s creations but it’s good to allow children to talk about their work as well. Try asking questions like – ‘would you like to tell me about your drawing/picture’ as opposed to – ‘that’s a lovely drawing – what is it?’

 
And that brings us back to being interested and how much our children can teach us. If one takes the time to observe children’s enthusiasm, interest and openness to explore and experience, to discover and learn and most of all to enjoy, then it is obvious that we could all take a leaf out of their book.

Stay tuned for Part 3, in the July/Sept 07 Angelmothers EZine Newsletter

© G. Hillier

Gerry Hillier