Health Articles

Most new parents are filled with dreams and expectations of their role as a parent – glossy mental pictures of playing with their child, guiding, educating and watching this little bundle of wonder grow into the perfect child.

Most parents want to be good parents - to give their children opportunities and experiences that broaden their understanding and knowledge and enable them to find their place in the world.

Most parents want the best for their children and to be the best for their children.

So it always comes as a shock and disappointment to the parent when they find themselves lying in bed at night going over the day and silently castigating themselves for being a ‘bad’ parent. They may have been stressed, edgy, irritable, tired, snappy and angry. Instead of responding to their child with a loving smile, a reassuring word, a gentle reminder; instead of helping their child channel their exuberant energy in a creative, playful way, they have snapped, rebuked, shown their frustration, been cross or yelled or any of the above.

The glossy picture of the perfect parent has suddenly become all smudgy and not with sticky little fingers like the library book that has to go back tomorrow.

A few silent tears of regret and guilt are shed.

Oh yes – we are all human but where to from here?

Change always begins with acceptance. Accept that what has been is done and finished with – nothing can change it – let it go. Guilt and regret fix nothing – nor does denigrating yourself.

Now decide what strategies can be put in place to cope with those not so good days so that you and your child can end the day at peace and in peace.

There is a passage in an essay by Ralph Waldo Emerson – a philosopher from the 1800’s – in which he briefly discusses his dealings with his child. He begins by saying that all his accomplishments and wealth mean nothing in this regard – nor do they mean anything to his child. He then goes on to describe a typical scenario. ‘If I am wilful, he (the child) sets his will against mine, one for one, and leaves me, if I please, the degradation of beating him by my superiority of strength. But if I renounce my will, and act for the soul, setting that up as an umpire between us two, out of his young eyes looks, the same soul; he reveres and loves with me’.

It is a wonderful piece of writing to reflect upon because it leads us right to the essence of this relationship – of any relationship.

But, back to practicalities. So how do you deal with your own emotions so as not to inflict them on your child?

Firstly, your anger, your frustration is yours. Your child, no matter what they are doing or how they are behaving, is not the cause of your anger. Your anger and frustration may arise when your child is not doing what you want them to do but that is not the causative factor. Anger is something we all experience but we do not have to follow it through to a destructive end.

There are many books on parenting that will give you many and varied suggestions on coping with the challenges which parenting lays before us. I can only share with you strategies I developed and which worked for me.

Parents need time out and that’s not always possible depending on your situation but 5 – 10 minutes of meditation each evening and morning is a great place to begin. Learning to be in stillness was the best tool I ever learned. Learn to meditate but don’t beat up on yourself when you can’t. I would often go for early morning walks before my partner left for work or on weekends and find a place to sit and contemplate. Living in beautiful rural surroundings helped but there are always places where one can find a sense of peace and beauty.

Practice, practice, practice looking into your child’s eyes - as Mr Emerson did – when they’re acting out, when they’re tired and irritable and demanding – STOP – LOOK – LOVE!

Learn when to walk away – this is so important. I remember one day when one of my children broke a beautiful large old mirror – accidentally but nonetheless, a little catastrophe and to top it off, it had been one of those days. I looked at the shattered glass everywhere and felt my rising frustration. Then I looked at the wide-eyed stare of the culprit and the co-conspirators who had been in on the act. I realized something – there was no need to say anything – they already knew. They knew the mirror had been broken, that they were the cause of that happening and that they hadn’t meant to do it. ‘Come on,’ I said, ‘let’s go for a drive.’ And that’s what we did. When we returned we came back to an empty situation – no turbulent emotions – just some glass on the floor which was cleaned up very quickly and it was all over. Much easier than going down the emotional rollercoaster. Walking away is effective in many situations even tantrums. Sometimes there’s no known cause for the tantrum and any attempt at intervention or consoling only seems to exacerbate the situation. Sometimes it’s easier to say something like – ‘I can see you’re upset and I want to help but that’s not working either so I’ll just go and sit outside and when you’re finished and you feel like it, come and sit with me and have a cuddle.’

Sometimes, when you feel your nerves beginning to fray and your patience tried to the limit, walking away can mean – ‘I really need to be alone for a moment so I’m going to sit in my room or on the veranda for a while and have some time to myself. If you really need me I’ll be here.’ You do have rights too you know. And take the time to do some soothing breathing, read a short inspirational poem, look out the window at the garden – let yourself be still for a moment – anything that helps bring you back to calm. Be firm – this is your time.

Then there are times when your child’s behaviour is just not acceptable and you’ll need to tell them so. I was never fond of banishing children to their bedroom as a form of punishment. My bedroom has always been a kind of sanctuary and I think it’s nice if children can think of their own room in that way – as there own space - somewhere they can go to calm down – to have space for themselves but not a punishment cell. I found it worked to support this concept and so sometimes when they were acting out I’d simply take them into their room, explain to them that the way they were behaving was just not on and ask them to take time alone to read a book or play with their toys etc and when they felt better to come out and act in a way that showed they were feeling better.

As stated in the last Mother’s Recipe article, always be honest in your communication with your child – not blaming them for your feelings or emotions but letting them know how you feel and encouraging them to express their feelings and honouring their feelings by actually listening to them. How you feel is not their fault.

Always admit your mistakes and apologise but remember saying sorry isn’t an excuse to repeat the same behaviour. It’s about recognising a type of reaction or behaviour that is destructive to either oneself or another and making an effort to break that pattern. Don’t forget the sleep talk as mentioned in the previous newsletter – reassuring your child as they sleep of your love and their worth.

Resolve each day to be better than you were yesterday – more aware – more loving – more joyful – more compassionate. Forgive yourself the slip-ups – your child certainly will - and accept that you’re not yet in line for sainthood. You’re simply doing what most people are doing – the best you can with what you know and who you are and let your child see that too. Your child doesn’t want a perfect parent, a psychologist, a behavioural expert – your child just wants to know they are loved, protected and guided. All parent animals set boundaries – there are codes of behaviour for all species. Our race would probably not exist if we did not set boundaries but done with love and giving our children the freedom to explore their own feelings and the choice and consequence of their behaviour will give them the opportunity to stand strongly in the world.

Gerry Hillier